Him

Let me tell you about this man because he's too humble.

He went through an extremely difficult childhood and is neurodivergent. His father was abusive and left when he was a toddler. He had a series of abusive stepfather figures and went to foster care twice. He remained with his younger brother but was separated from the 3 sisters he lived with.

He's biracial and raised by his white mother, but in Hispanic households. He has 5 half siblings that are all Hispanic. The area he grew up in was majority white and not Hispanic. Because his father was abusive, he didn't have any contact with them and very limited knowledge.

He experienced generational poverty and was homeless for several years of his life. They lived in a motel room with 6 people for a while and he would have to handwash clothes and dry them on the room's heating mechanism. When things were better, they often lived in trailers with inadequate heat and broken appliances. They were evicted on his birthday once. A social worker bought him a cello when he was in school.

He was so gifted and worked hard to develop his skills. Honestly the fact he was a cellist was the second thing I noticed about him (his kind face was the first). I'm a big sucker for cello. He would spend hours listening to songs on repeat to try to learn them. His teachers recognized his talent and he earned a full scholarship to WVU for cello.

I watched the video of him playing cello in college a lot. I'm including a clip from a recital he did. He was in an award winning quartet with one of his best friends from college. That friend is a violinist pursuing a doctorate in music and agrees Yusef has unlimited opportunities with the cello - so I know that my bias is justified.

He was my last match on Dateability and I was his first. He was a little bashful with me at first; that didn't prevent us from getting lost in conversations. I felt like life changed when I saw his face for the first time. He seemed too much my type to be real, but when I would research him (I'm a woman on the internet), everything checked out.

During my DIY background check, I had a hit for a newspaper article with his name. It was behind a paywall and the summary had something about a violent crime. I was stunned but it didn't seem to fit my information on him and feelings about him. So I paid for it.

Before he left for college, his local newspaper ran an article about a young homeless cellist that earned a full scholarship for his talent. There were several other smaller mentions for his good grades. I was relieved but terrified because I knew he was just a nerdy cellist with glasses and a little on the short side. My type. I was in trouble of falling hard. I asked my doctor to evaluate my hormones for an imbalance.

"Your blood tests are normal." Uh oh.

We both thought it would just be a friendship situation. He thought I was too hot to want to pay attention to him. (That was just an additional reason I did want to pay attention to him.) From all standpoints, he seemed like a match. We traded a cello cover for digital artwork. Later, we'd put a video showing how I drew art on audio of his cover.

I really enjoyed talking to him. I had a toe surgery on Halloween and he remembered and sent me a video of him playing calming music to help me relax. "Don't fall in love with a man you barely know and have never met in person" I would tell myself. That failed.

I flirted with him first. He was a little panicked by it and I had to reassure him (and myself) that I didn't have any expectations from it and we could be flirty friends. That lasted about two weeks. I figured out he went to bed early and would tell him goodnight or announce it was early birdy hours.Then I got VERY stoned to deal with my chronic pain and sent him poetry I wrote about him and confessed my adoration.

He was apprehensive with the distance before, but I told him that if we build an emotional connection strong enough, the physical disconnect of 1,000 miles can be temporary. I'd been in relationships where I could be held by the person and should have felt emotionally connected to them as well. But once that emotional connection was gone, it was gone for good. In friendships, it was difficult for the emotional connection to come back. It usually didn't. I told him we'd never know until we try, but we could see what happens. He knew I was high and wouldn't say much but told me his reaction was positive.

I was embarrassed when I woke up the next morning. We talked soon after and he asked me out. I was surprised but giddy. We discussed what we would need and want in a relationship. How could we show our affection? What did we value from our partners? How did we show love to others? What progression - short and long term did we want? We created a shared Google folder for things we wanted to share with each other that were too big for texts. I organized them with categories and other folders so we could easily search for things.

I had started a new pain medication around the time I met him. I started having more difficulty breathing and muscle stiffness. I'm disabled and I assumed it was the result of aging and my health issues. A few weeks before he was going to visit me, I had (what I now know was my first) a seizure. I woke up confused and struggling to breathe. They rushed me to the hospital and I was admitted soon after.

I brought Larry, the stuffed pigeon he gave me for my birthday with me. It was a reference to me calling him "birdy", the fact I have a "pigeon chest", and the stupid evil Larry cat reels he sent me. I held it every time I was allowed and able to. I stabilized after a night and was beginning to wean off the oxygen and would leave after I could slowly taper down.

A resident woke me up early in the morning. My mom was sleeping soundly in the recliner beside my hospital bed. She came in alone and said something about taking me off oxygen that day and did something to the dials for it. She didn't remove it from my face, so I assumed she had turned it down. I fell asleep.

I woke up to the attending physician shaking me gently and yelling. My mom immediately shot up in her seat. The medical team was rushing around the room, checking my pulses, putting the stethoscope on my chest, and yelling at each other. The resident stood silent and looked away from my bed.

I was confused. Exhausted. Heavy. I wondered how long it would take before I could go home. I wondered what Yusef was doing right now. Mostly, I just wanted to go back to sleep and snuggle with Larry. Someone checked the oxygen and found out it had been turned off by the resident.

The attending began screaming and asking everyone who had done it. He hadn't ordered it. Respiratory therapy staff came in and screamed. The nurses screamed. My mom was pale with terror.

When the attending came in for morning rounds, they found me unconscious and blue. My mom had been up most of the day and night before and finally got to sleep soundly after finding out I was going home soon. The oxygen had been off since the resident turned it off. My mom was so deep asleep, she didn't know anyone had been in other than the nursing staff. I had a level in the 70s - lower than when I was admitted.

The same resident came in and acted like nothing happened. She cheerfully asked me how I was feeling after she turned off my oxygen.

"You could have killed me. I have taken violent, painful shits I like better than you. I've had diarrhea so bad they put a tube in my ass so that's saying something. Get the fuck out of my room and the lives of anyone vulnerable. Never see me again."

My stay was extended. This time, my pulmonary function tests were terrible. I tried getting off oxygen but wasn't able to. A different resident told me it was because I needed to lose weight. I was sent home with supplemental oxygen and require it at all times now. I felt defeated and like I was too much for him - especially a new, long distance relationship.

He spoke to the nurses on the phone and thanked them for taking care of me. He asked them about how they got into healthcare, their tattoos, how their day was going, etc. He talked to me and my mom while we were bored and he was free. His friends told me hi over the phone. He told me how pretty he thought I was.

We continued to think about all the things we could do when he got there. I was worried that I couldn't do much or might be sick. He assured me that he didn't care and would just sit beside me and hold my hand if I could only do that.

We picked him up at the airport. He brought my favorite flowers and was grinning ear to ear. I already knew we were in love but it still felt like a shock to see him. He was definitely real.

I immediately kissed him when we were alone in the kitchen. It was late, but he held me in bed a few minutes. When I got tired, he kissed me on the forehead and went to the guest bedroom to sleep.

I overslept and panicked he was bored. My dad had breakfast with him and they chatted a while. When I woke up, I let him know I was awake if he wanted to come in. He grinned and told me good morning and kissed my forehead. He sat beside me while I ate and held my hand and we talked while the butterflies settled.

We spent most of the visit cuddling, kissing, and getting lost in conversations for hours. We meant to take a lot of pictures together but lost track of time. Multiple times a day.

My parents loved him. Even my family's dog, Benji, liked him. He normally hates men and makes it known. He spent the trip trying to sit in between us. JD, my big dog, cuddled up with him if I wasn't accessible.

This was the start of something extraordinary.

We fell deeper and more in love as time passed.

Around October, my health became very unstable. I had more pain, stiffness, spasticity, anxiety, required more oxygen, and my throat felt like I was choking sometimes. I fainted from it sometimes. It was harder to move. I was scared of falling asleep and never waking up. My mom would finally wake up and I wouldn't be breathing. It was hard to communicate and I worried that he thought I was pulling away.

I went to the ER and cried and screamed about the pain and suffering. I tried to rip my medication patch off. A CT scan showed that my brain stem was atrophied. That was new. I refused to leave the hospital bed and the pain and spasticity meant that I wasn't able to get out of bed. Immediately the doctor yelled in my face.

Other staff came in and yelled at me. My parents tried to get me to leave and I yelled at them too. Two nurses pulled me up into a sitting position on the side of my bed. I screamed in pain until I saw stars. They threatened to call the police. They were going to charge me with trespassing.

I sobbed. I tried to clasp my hands together and plead for mercy. They said I wasn't having any medical issues and had a mental issue. The eyes of the ER doctor sent a chill down my spine. I felt my life flash before my eyes.

Eventually they gave me a shot of something and I woke up in bed. I was in the ER often. Most times, I was lectured for using the ER for pain management. I tried to call my palliative care doctor but didn't hear back. I told her about the ER visit and asked her to review it. Nothing.

I had to think about every moment all the time. I did stretches and myofascial release on myself. I monitored my vitals. Eventually I had a hunch it was the pain medication. I ripped off the patch and got the narcan in case I needed it.

I had a dream Yusef screamed at me to wake up. I checked my vitals and they were quickly plummeting. I screamed for my mom and called my dad. I cussed them out and screamed directions. They were shaking and the narcan spilled out. My mom was on the phone with the paramedics but they weren't close. I remembered that an Epipen could be used for shock to increase the blood pressure, pulse, and buy you time. I yelled at my dad and he gave me the shot.

My vitals went back to normal and I didn't feel like I was dying. When the firefighters got there, I cussed and lectured and insulted them until they gave me a dose of narcan. My body relaxed and breathing was easier.

They tried to tell me that I wasn't dying because I was stable when the ambulance arrived. The ER doctor said I had a faulty pulse oximeter because I arrived in stable condition. I threatened to report him if he didn't keep me overnight. They kept me.

The doctor I had told me I saved my life. Yusef was panicked and relieved that I was okay. They kept me a few days over Thanksgiving. When I was released, my palliative care doctor tried to put me back on the medicine that nearly ended me. I refused and we argued. I sent a message to the patient portal requesting that she note that she tried to put me on it. She quickly referred me somewhere else.

I've found it hard to come back from this time. One thing I love about him is his commitment to mental health. He's always been open and honest with me with everything. He's still human and so am I, but we're committed to each other, mutual understanding, communicate effectively, and we want to always be growing. Arguments always end in us feeling closer and stronger and with a better understanding of ourselves and each other.

His commitment to mental health saved my life. I'd tried to get EMDR therapy several times but it didn't work out. Several things aligned and he encouraged me to go do it and weekly. He made me feel proud of taking care of myself and if I didn't want to do it for me, I would force myself to do it for him.

A sleeping giant that was comatose for over a decade is awake. I feel more myself than I thought possible. I know he'll stay when I'm at my worst.

I mourn the fact that I can't have biochildren. It wouldn't possibly result in new life and I would die with my baby if I got pregnant. I was afraid that would scare him away. He reassured me that we would find a way to nurture that would be fulfilling. Then he got a vasectomy to ensure that it wouldn't accidentally happen.

He worried that if he had bio children, they would have mental health issues. But maybe that's exactly what child we need. I dream of a future where we find a way to give back to our communities using music, science, and nurturing. I dream of a future where I'm stable enough for us to have a wedding beneath a big willow tree. I dream about years of dancing and kissing in the kitchen. Then a vulnerable child who needs a home finds us. I dream we show them love so intense that they don't fear following their dreams.

But in all my dreams, I dream of him.