I am Complex
In the ways that everyone is complex, I am too. Medically, I'm also extremely complex. I was treated as a mentally ill teenager when I was pleading with doctors to find what was wrong with me. They checked for common issues and when they didn't find anything labeled me as attention seeking. When I researched and suggested tests and conditions, they labeled me a hyponchondriac. When they put me on antidepressants and I told them I didn't want them I was labeled as non-compliant. I earned the label of delusional for telling them that the emotions were because of my physical symptoms.
So I had no choice but to take the pills. It was difficult to find something that didn't make me want to taste death for relief from suffering. It was at odds with my thoughts that I was worth staying around longer. Things that were supposed to feel good often made me scared, but that was labeled as mental illness too. I felt like it chemically gaslit me so much that I couldn't trust my own sensations anymore. Was this pain even real? Did it matter anymore? Was pain and suffering the point of my existence?
In the darkest moments where I was alone in my thoughts and floating in a void between life and death, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was loved, full of love, and that there would be great things ahead. Everything around me pointed to that being false. Brain injuries can cause odd emotions, but these were only there when I felt something overwhelming. In my daily life, I was in the backseat with pain at the wheel.
Complex trauma (C-PTSD) occurs after exposure to multiple traumatic events. It often occurs during childhood, but not necessarily. It can be difficult to intervene - particularly if it developed during childhood and the effects of it feel “normal”” to someone who has only known that. It presents similar to PTSD, but it's crucial to address the length of trauma and the unique effects.
Symptoms include:
Nightmares
Flashbacks
Avoiding certain locations, activities, etc
Anxiety
Difficulty with emotional regulations
Difficulty forming secure attachments
Additionally, other symptoms may occur. Personally, many of my flashbacks I failed to recognize as flashbacks. Occasionally they come in the form of electric shocks through my spine, nystagmus worsening, cramps, or just pain. The mind is very powerful: the same nerves that felt my brain herniate are the same nerves that have C-PTSD. I'm full of myofascial scars and the fascia reacts to emotions as well as physical stimulation.
Unfortunately, I have a very detailed memory.
It wasn't until after my near death experience last year that something changed. I was traumatized by something recent that caused me to seek and be denied treatment for my PTSD. I was lucky to have the ER doctor that I had because he fought hard for me to get treatment. When no local mental hospital would take me due to my physical disabilities, he started me on prazosin and hoped it would help me.
“I'm so sorry the medical system has failed you. I'll do what I can do”
The medical system may have failed me but he did not. I'd been trying to get treated for complex PTSD (because…. Obviously). It was like the fog cleared: I could feel my feelings more accurately. Things that were once scary or painful felt good. My digestion improved drastically. I went off 3 medications. My brain fog lifted. My pain improved.
